I used to want to be Madeleine Kahn when I grew up, because she wasn’t a standard measure of beauty or aspiration. Of course, she was beautiful, but mostly she was hilarious. The sort of gal who would throw you for a loop when she opened her mouth and cursed like a sailor or something, but you didn’t have time to be shocked because you were already laughing. Then she died at the very young age of 57.
So, now I want to be a blend of a couple other atypical women. Swoosie Kurtz reminds me of Madeleine Kahn, to some extent, and Kathy Bates is flat out talented, funny, and scary as hell if your name is “James Caan”.
I know, I’m going to always be… ME. I’m ok with that. But I get flashes of the women who’ve influenced my life, and who I want to become as I age (gracefully or not), and I am keenly aware of how Hollywood makes women my age “disappear”. I’m just not comfortable blending into the wallpaper. I never have been. It’s a joke I love to say, “I’m shy.” Of course, I can be, I can dislike talking or dealing with people or situations and want/need time to myself, but I’m the girl who wants to charge forward when something feels scary or intimidating. Beat it down and smile like a fool.
In other good news, I think it’s finally safe to announce it: I’m capable of truly being happy. I made small talk with a stranger at Sweet Tomatoes the other night and laughed and realized from the inside out, it didn’t have an iota of “cover” or lie in it. You wouldn’t assume it to be true – I’ve cried more the past two days, between blog posts and NPR stories (oh my god, you have to listen to this one – I had no idea, and it’s so heartwarming. And such proof that one person can make all the difference in the world.)
But I think a part of me is finally buying into the idea that it might, after all, be ok. I know I’m going to have my dips, my nose-dives, my hull will drag on the sandbar and I will be buffeted into rocky outcrops. But in the end, I want to be someone who made a difference, and didn’t give up. Always with some laughs along the way.
