Month: September 2006 (Page 2 of 3)

I think it’s a perfect metaphor for this week – I came in to work this morning and discovered someone had snapped my lamps from the post. SWELL.
Photgraphic Evidence of the Crime, CSI-style:

Oddly enough, all I’ve done is shake my head and shrug my shoulders. I think I’m all full-up on getting mad and being upset. I did send an email out that we would be investigating the crime, and nobody should leave town. However, it’s much easier to just blame the cleaning people – everyone’s favorite patsy, right? The last place I worked, they stole a lot of fruit from my neighbor.

However, despite the considerably darker environment, I have had more positive things outweighing everything else – before I even got to my office, my boss pulled me in to pass along a client compliment – without overindulging and going on and on, the client basically wanted to know why Kristin & I didn’t work more on his business and that we were very creative and very smart. Yay! And I adored him before I knew it was mutual, isn’t it great when it works out like that? And, second, yesterday I sent faxes to two Nissan dealerships, because the car guy I was working with didn’t call me AGAIN (and listen, if you tell me you’re going to call me? And don’t? Then I have to take a page from the pop culture book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and assume I’m not important. Nor is my checkbook.) And one dealership has already responded with a phone call, and an email. Not pushy, just friendly and indicating that he’s working on a list of cars. Hey! Novel. Service. Such a simple word.

I must get back to working by candlelight and scraping the wax off my mouse. (Oh, dear, that sounds ….. provocative?)

I’ve had one of those rock-m, sock-m headaches today that Just! Won’t! Quit! with a frickin’ vengeance. The Headache Gnome has been ignored long enough and now he’s riding a dirt bike around the inside of my cranium, much like the stunt riders at the circus ride their dirt bikes inside a large metal cage.
So that really only leaves me one choice: Hit Gnome. A sordid, mysterious sort of gnome, who smokes unfiltered cigarettes, drinks thimbles of whiskey, and refuses to wear the pointy hat but instead dons a red do-rag. He is a Renegade. One one bicep there’s a mushroom tatoo, on the other the requisite “Gnome Free or Die” with the national Gnome masonic symbol. His ride is, of course, a Harley DavidGnome. All the better to catch up with the mo-fo Headache Gnome, I say. Tear it up, buddy.

Apparently, the Imagination Gnome is hard at work today. That’s good. Somebody oughta work hard, and it’s not really turning out to be ME.

UPDATE (3:40 p.m.): The headache is nearly gone, and it seemed to dissipate during a meeting with the Blandest Rep Ever. Seriously, his personality was as substantive as wet tissue. I thought Kristin was going to leap on the table and flash her boobs, just to see if he would blink. (she didn’t. I bet he would’ve.)

But I’ll tell ya that the vehicle I want to buy is a 2005 or 2006 Nissan Murano:

(this is a fancy new one.)

A person I work with has one & I tested out hers – it’s a pretty sweet ride. Very comfy, way roomy and I dig the elevated view without being “way up high” like you get in some SUVs. This is more of a crossover between an SUV and a sedan. But apparently, adjustable pedals are a little harder to come by. Scorpy, thanks for the compliment that I’d look good in a Mini Cooper – I think they’re wonderful cars! I just think the Wo and I would look like two very large groundhogs smashed into it for road tripping. ;) And we’d have to put the dogs on the roof! LOL! So, I’m hoping something comes through on the car front soon – I’m ready to get things wrapped up!

I’m not having a great week. Or month, really. It’s gotten to the point that my jaw feels like it’s wired shut & I’m fighting it subconsciously. The crazy-ass neighbor across the street has decided, after 3 years, to start screaming at me about our dogs out of fear her precious feral cats she feeds (but does not take inside, collar, or immunize) might get hurt when Polly bolts to chase one of her devil cats. It’s like Harriet, v.2.0. I can’t drive by her house now without subtley flipping her off. (At least I’m not leaning out the window & screaming.)

Then, I’m in the limbo place, as I wait for my car dealer dude to find me exactly the vehicle I want. (I have the model picked out, I just want low miles, adjustable pedals, uh, leather, ok, fine, my list of needs & wants are not short – are you surprised?) However, even though it has been only two weeks, I am ever impatient and just want to get the deal DONE. I want to sell my dad’s truck, get my new-ish car, and my dealer-dude doesn’t call to update me, instead I have to call him. Of course, a more relaxed, laid-back individual would take this as an indication that it’s taking some time and to just CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Well, I drove behind an individual like that yesterday, and I gave her bitch-ass the hairy eyeball when I finally passed her 20 mph ass. I don’t work in that laid-back way and I need to have my base touched. TOUCH MY BASE. Don’t take it naughty. I just mean that even if there’s no information, telling me that? Tells me “you’re working on it”, not “ignoring it until your bitch ass calls me again”.

It’s always a weird time of year, the transition between seasons. We’re in the 60’s one morning, but headed for 90 by the end of the week, and then it will drop off again and we’ll have a frost threat before we know it. What’s the right clothing combination, what shoes, will I be sweaty at lunch, will I have to run the air in my car, how fucked up will construction be AGAIN. Work ebbs and flows and I’m reminded of how the highs in this business are balanced out by the lows. My craft room is still a mess, and I have things that need to be sewn. People who don’t want to be my friend should just stop pretending. My mother’s birthday is coming and I want to ignore her, except the high road always beckons, and I begrudgingly trudge it. I’m trying to eat less but sometimes I get so cranky I want to take a cheesecake and lie down in the street. Yes, the street in front of my office that takes a miracle, act of God or Mother Teresa to allow me to merge at night because the fucking Bob Mahal construction has made it painfully difficult to navigate, and add to it this week’s joy: road repaving. I keep meaning to exercise and all I do is think about doing it. I feel like I have a million mosquito bites and they all want to be scratched, torn at, and yet I know that bathing in calamine lotion and letting them heal is the only right solution. I guess you could call this “cranky”. That’s Captain Cranky to you, you whack bitch who loves parrots and can’t drive. I got yer parrot right HERE.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Miss Kristin & her fiance Justin welcomed their newest family member into their home over the weekend – meet Miss Gracie Lou, the sweetest golden retriever puppy ever, and she’s just a baby. Ten weeks and the world is a giant ball of discovery, waiting just for her. I smooshed her and kissed her nose and smelled her puppy breath and I have to go back for more.
Welcome, lover pup. You’ve got a good home & good doggie parents.

That pretty much sums up my thoughts & feelings on today’s anniversary. I don’t necessarily feel safer, but I know I’m a bit sadder than I was 5 years ago. I called my dad that morning, and he didn’t have any more answers than anyone else. Now, he’s gone; we’re still fighting a war we can’t extricate ourselves from, people are coming up with crazier & crazier ways to attempt to blow up planes, and in the end, we just have to keep on living. With our memories, with our sadness, with the joy that comes from unconditional love. Love. Love trumps Crazy every time.

Today is just one snarl after the other, most of which are coming through my curled sneer of an upper lip. ROWR!

Traffic around these parts is fucked up. There is no sugar-coating it. The goddamn circus people screwed up the Plaza (and didn’t even deliver on shooting people out of cannons, according to my sources), the goddamn art fair in Westport blocked off a very busy section of town, sending cars through the parking lot of a local overpriced grocery store, and over quite possibly the largest speedbump in the Midwest. Seriously. I was going 3 mph and thought I might pull a Duke Boys on the downside of that bad mo-fo. I looked to see if a bassett hound had snuck into the front seat. Then, I heard from another scout that my commute home will be royally jacked up because President Bush is in town for some $1,000 a plate fundraiser at some swanky mansion and security will be high. High as a motherfuckin’ KITE and won’t that be fun, given that all the road through there is TORN UP for repaving. At least I got the heads-up on that one and will take a different road home.

Spending 40 minutes to get Vietnamese take-out while some ass clown from Kansas tries to talk on the phone and read all the street signs on the Plaza while traveling between 15mph and 40 mph, and erratically changing lanes in front of me might be YOUR idea of a good time? You might deduce from all the salty language I was NOT a happy camper. Add to that I’ve hit my limit with rudeness and with being patient, and I think it’s probably safe to say the whole world should be glad it’s Friday. I’ve got some fun things planned for this weekend, the skunk smell is abating, and the Chiefs play on Sunday. Stay safe, and stay away from Ward Parkway & 55th tonight!

Perhaps the idea of the helmet was not so funny to you yesterday?

It still is funny here.

Self-portrait with Ski Helmet, 2006
(Shaking from laughing, thus the extra blur)

This one I like to call, “All The Cool Kids Are Doing It.”

Work Conversation:

Me (to co-worker, J): “What would it take for you to wear that helmet all day?” (motioning to a ski helmet sitting on a desk.

J: “I’ll tell you what it’d take. Dunkin Donuts coffee.”

Me (perking up): “Really? That’s it?”

J (immediately sensing he has set the bar too low): “I mean, a fresh, hot cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, in a Dunkin Donuts cup, and a pound of beans.”

Me: “Try it on. Let’s make sure it fits.”

After faintly protesting it will mess up his hair, J tries on helmet. Perfect fit. Looks extremely…..special.

Me (doubled over laughing): “I am SO GLAD I found your price. And that it’s so low!”

Oh yes. We’ll be driving to Lawrence, KS one morning for a cup o’ Dunkin Donuts coffee & some beans. Even I will get up early for that one. Because I’ll be bringing my CAMERA as well. Nobody can say, even in the worst of it, that we don’t have a good group of people who love to laugh……

…that prompted me to call PetSmart at the last minute before leaving the office. Lo-and-behold, they carry this:

I’d already done the math, and buying 10 packages of Massengil (or Summer’s Eve, you know, I’m not brand loyal) would have been over $40 – this stuff was $10. The part I liked was that you leave it on the dog to dry & keep odor-busting. I’m still waiting on the odor-bustin’, as she just strolled up and when I scratched her head, it still smells a bit like someone across the way hit a skunk. Eeesh.

So, sorry, no pics of the Wo and I wielding douche bottles two-handed, littering the backyard with a visual worthy of Flickr front page ……
Instead, here’s a Warhol-esque composite – feel free to make ‘er poster size.

But in all my searching, I did discover the Sound of an Angry Skunk, and we plan to play it repeatedly at high volumes while shouting “NO! BAD! NO!” over and over while shining a light in Suzy’s eyes.
From a distance.