I’m watching footage of yesterday’s shopping debacles, people getting trampled, maced & taken down over laptop computers on sale.

I understand having loss leaders to bring people in, and “Black Friday” is a huge day in the retail world. But surely there is a better solution than turning it into a melee-free-for-all that makes people RUN at 5 in the morning to push through the doors & race for the deal. I think they went through this a long time ago in ye olde Rock N Roll community, hm? I’ve heard that Best Buy gives people waiting in line coupons, to be redeemed for the product. That would be helpful, takes the panic Am-I-Going-To-Get-One out of the mix.

We are a consumptive society ….. I am not immune, and I do love to shop – but even I am exhausted by the behavior, the bad attitudes, the absolute disregard for other people that this Black Friday machine has created. Is that acceptable? Is it truly the cost of doing business?

Harrumph. I’m slowly turning into one of the grouchy old Muppet men in the balcony….

My friend Beth wrote me this morning & asked about how my shopping went. I thought, hey, I could copy & paste this & not have to type it twice, and then you will also see just how much I abuse the run-on sentence laws in email form.

Please keep your hands and legs inside the email at all times. Here we go….
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Oh, god, I was so irritated at Target this morning, all these people were behaving as though THEY were the only ones out and about. Literally before I got into the store. People stopping in front of the store (while driving) and then having the gall to give ME the hairy eyeball as I drove around them! I thought one person was going to hit me. And once I was in the store, it was the same thing. I can’t imagine what WalMart was like at 5 am, and honestly, unless there’s something in particular on sale next year, I am going to think long & hard about going out. (I say that now. Wait until next November….)

I got my Target stuff, the only deal/sale item being the undercounter radio/cd player I wanted last year & my BIL forgot my list, so I got a quesadilla maker and squishy pillow, instead, and then I went to Linens & Things & just bought the tv trays, plus the drink buckets were $6.99, buy 2 get one free, so I got chocolate martini, eggnog something & peppermint twist. Because this year the holidays are going to be about drinking, not decorating. Then off to Michaels, where, did you notice, it was like Fort Knox with the 25% off coupons? I’m surprised I didn’t have to have a cavity search just to cap off my morning. And the frames I bought aren’t deep enough to hold a matted picture, which pisses me off, so they have to go back & I haven’t the strength right now. Maybe later this weekend, we’ll see. I skipped the drycleaners, too. Came home, ate, watched some recorded stuff & went off to bed. I love my electric blanket. LOVE IT.

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That’s pretty much it, my early morning adventures. There were rude people, people leaving carts in the middle of the aisle, to go and look at something, people moving extremely slowly. This is the marathon time, people, and if you haven’t got a plan and the capacity to move fast, you need to do your shopping on Tuesdays over the lunch hour. With all the other amateurs. I much prefer shopping the day after Christmas, I think. At least everything’s half price, which offsets some of the bitchiness you inevitably encounter. Oh, and I forgot to put in my email that while I was checking out at Linens-N-Things? This crazy woman interrupted my checker-outer lady, asking if anyone had found a library book. In a cart. From this morning. This was at 6:30 a.m. Now, I don’t know what kind of shopping regimen you follow, and if you take library books in with you to make standing in line go faster? But you are immediately cut from the Jennifer Elite Squad Shopping Berets if you bring a library book in, AND leave it behind in the cart. We have stringent rules in the Shopping Berets. For we are, the Shopper of One. The Few, the Brave, the Shoppers.

It’s nice to have this holiday where the only expectations of you are to show up and eat.

Over the years, I’ve had Thanksgivings alone, with friends, with my family, with James’ family.

One of the years I was alone is especially funny – my ex boyfriend stopped by (after hanging out with his current girlfriend) & brought me a piece of pumpkin pie. Moving past the enormous salt shaker pouring into my wound, I took a bite. This was no ordinary pie. He had made a pie from all-natural ingredients. Without sugar. Organic unsweetened graham-cracker crust. Pie filling sweetened with :shudder: molasses. The only redeeming feature was real whipped cream, unsweetened as it was. I was polite, and yet knowing how transparent my face can be, I know he knew I didn’t like it. Fortunately, his visit was short & I tossed the rest of it.

As my friend Pete observed later when I told him about it: “Life served you a slice of BITTER PIE that Thanksgiving….”

So, today, I am grateful to have a simplified holiday. We’re going to our friend Roger’s, and all we have to bring is a cheese plate, and I purchased enough cheese at Costco to be officially licensed as a Cheese Head. Oh, yeah, and a pumpkin pie. $5.99 at Costco, and guaranteed not to be bitter….. ;)

James & I were talking a few weeks ago about an appropriate blog for Thanksgiving, and all the things we’re thankful for – and it became clear, quite quickly, that we are thankful for the internet.

Yes, that sounds kind of funny, and maybe a little geeky, and some might even raise an eyebrow & think “shallow”. But hear me out.

~I met James via Yahoo! Personals, six & a half years ago.
~I found our house online, and knew when I saw the pictures, this was the house for us.
~James was alerted about a litter of pups, via an online message board, and a month later, we got Polly from that litter.
~Through my blog, I stayed sane (somewhat) in my previous job, and managed to make a bevvy of virtual friends, people I trust, people I laugh with each day.
~I got my current job because of Monster.com, through an auto-mailer I’d set up looooong before, and through email, got my interview & am now splashing happily through the muck in my new position.
~James found his job online as well.
~My knitting group got started by two people talking online, and connections happened from there.
~I found our cleaning lady on craigslist.com, and you KNOW how thankful I am for her. :)

The internet has brought me a lot, in addition to the shopping and recipes and emails and information. While the argument still exists that you can lose yourself in the internet, and isolate yourself from reality, the fact remains that the internet made finding all these things that complete my life so much, well, simpler. More available. Accessible. I sit in a room looking at a glowing box, and all these things pour forth onto the screen. People write to me, laugh in my comments, and all those little strings equal connection. My life is filled with the successes of using the internet, my life is richer from this space here, and the people who visit me. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not, I love being a goofball & the therapeutic benefits of laying it out there. And for the most part, people out there accept that. Some even appreciate it. Knowing these things, seeing what surrounds me, I feel grateful. And that is why I am thankful for the internet.

(When all else fails, end your entry like a fifth grade essay.)

Have a safe, happy & joyful holiday weekend.
Love,
Jennifer

Apparently, my car is invisible. Like the stealth bomber, and the B-52, LaFonda the Honda joins the elite warfare ranks as a silent, invisible machine in the war on terror.

I submit to you my experience of last night. When I exit the building in my car, it’s on to a one-way street, three lanes wide, at the bottom of a hill. It’s a busy street, and I have to get out and into the middle lane within a block’s distance. And I’m 10 feet from a stoplight. So it’s a little like jumping in on double dutch jump rope some days. Last night, a FedEx truck was stopped in the lane closest to me, blinkers on, etc. I’m there, pulling out, almost in front of him and he just puts ‘er in gear and completely cuts me off. Now, I had my window down and his was down, so I felt compelled to yell and tell him what a dickwad he was, and I saw a woman standing at the corner waiting for the light. I felt a little silly, but whatever. The traffic cleared, and as I pulled out and headed into the middle lane – pedestrian lady starts crossing against the light! And when she SEES me, just starts to hustle! Hustle! I’m braking to avoid killing her, there are cars streaming over the hill, it’s dark, and she’s playing in traffic.

So I yelled at her, too, of course: ‘THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA, HUH?’ because it is my responsibility to point out to everyone in the world what an idiot they are, especially if they are inconveniencing me. But it was as I continued driving, and people driving around and changing lanes like I wasn’t there, that I finally realized: my car had some sort of Invisibility Cloak going on. I need to sell LaFonda to the Department of Defense and retire.

Instead, I’m going to be playing Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” all day. Well, no. That would make me crazier than I already am.

Yes, I realize that the real Jennifer has been sucked up into the Mother Ship and has been replaced with a high-strung, whirling dervish of a person who is behaving with extreme OCD and productivity. I’ve already made two readers tired….living it wears me out, too – believe me.

I do not think it is a complete coincidence that this happened at the same time we hired a cleaning person. It’s as though that burden, removed from my shoulders, suddenly left me springing up and down like a kangaroo on crack, pausing only long enough to refill my pipe. BOING BOING BOING! Actually, it could also be the gamma rays from my electric blanket, the only other change in the same timeframe…. hmmmm. Tin foil PJ’s are going to be a bitch to find this time of year.

James, of course, has noticed this change. He likes it, because the house is staying clean, and uh, I, like, uprooted half his garden for compost in an unprecedented frenzy of outdoor-related work…while he was GONE. I fear he will not like it as much once I start wearing his whistle and throwing flags when he commits a House Foul Transgression. THERE ARE SHOES OUT OF PLACE, PENALTY IS DECLINED, IT’S A JENNIFER FIRST DOWN.

Now, if only I could get my butt on the treadmill with some regularity, I’d be ready for a marathon before the aliens get back & restore me to my nonproductive lifestyle. HAH! I only run if something’s chasing me and I don’t have my shotgun handy. But I am groovin’ on the bouncing. BOING!

Ha! We’re basically keeping the house pretty cool – and the upstairs is no exception. I noticed the dogs keep sneaking out of the computer room, in an effort to go back downstairs & be a bit warmer – so this weekend, I got Polly’s pillow & the throw out, and hooked her up! Pampered Polly! (I can hear JWo, right now. “Jennifer! SHE’S A DOG!” I know she doesn’t really need the blanket, but it makes me laugh. And it IS all about me, right?!

TEN-HUT!

Recycling, put away! CHECK!
Hat for JWo, knit! CHECK!
Bulbs dug up & put away! CHECK!
Annual pots emptied into compost bin! CHECK!
Tomato and pepper beds, uprooted for compost! CHECK!
Muffler for JWo, knit! ON THE NEEDLES, SIR!
Rosemary dug up for indoor wintering! CAN’T FIND THE SHOVEL, SIR!
Shopping at Target!? Shopping at Costco!? SIR! MUST ADMIT TO NAPPING, SIR!

Who posted guard during nap? GUNNERY SERGEANT POLLY, SIR!

(Gunnery Sergeant Polly can be distracted from duty by treats, I will have you know.)

Holy Toledo. I thought Weekend would never get here. PHEW! Thank goodness for that whole spinning-of-the-earth and the sun and all that jazz that can’t be frozen or halted no matter how hard people try!

I have an Agenda for Weekend. It is not Hidden. Those are dreadful and bad and really, life-shortening, if you ask me. My agenda involves shopping for more Organizational Items That Will Change Our Lives Forever, it involves some Serious-Ass Power Knitting, because now I have two pairs of mittens and a hat and a muffler to make by Wednesday (bring on the knitting cocaine! (chocolate + thai food)) and a whooooole bunch of DVR’d shows, plus I now have all of the first season of Nip/Tuck, and nothing says loving yourself & finding inner peace like watching a show featuring people who cut themselves up to improve their lives & appearances!

I also was going to be purchasing an MP3 player, and have concluded that I am Too Old. My purposes are different than you mobile, jogging sorts. I want to organize everything, including my CD’s, and I thought an iPod was the answer to my prayers. But, after consulting our IT person, my needs are (shockingly) much more complex and unanswerable with a single gadget. JWo, while he is not here this weekend, wherever he is right now, suddenly looked up and is suddenly feeling Not Surprised. So, I figure I just saved myself about $530, because if you give a mouse an iPod, then she’ll want an external hard drive, and if you give a mouse an external hard drive, then she’ll want a docking sound system. Give the mouse a docking sound system and then she’ll demand a wireless transmitter for the car. Instead, the mouse is getting her big-ass television set. Dammit.

For, dear readers, the garage is worthy. Empty. Ready. The deal which was struck months back has closure. And I wanna start watching “My Name Is Earl” and think that Jason Lee is actually SITTING, life-sized, over to my left. Duuuuuuude!

That is my rock-em, sock-em weekend and I love it. There’ll be some cooking, I’ll probably get up at 4 a.m. to go to the grocery store (think of it as “training” for the day after Thanksgiving! – insert theme to Rocky -) because I can’t imagine what Saturday afternoon’s gonna look like at the Price Chopper….. I’d end up committing hari kari in the checkout line using a Twix bar and a soap opera magazine. And that’d be a hell of a way to screw up a perfectly good weekend. Not to mention, a waste of chocolate.

This hat was a request. Opening weekend of duck season is a day of pranks for my husband – he’s thrown out little rubber duckies with the decoys in the past – to joke with his buddies. This year? He put on this hat. It took several consultation conversations, rough drawings, and a search for sew-on googly eyes that eventually I gave up on, and decided instead to epoxy-glue big googly eyes onto threaded buttons. JWo helped pick out the yarn for color accuracy to the mallard duck, and he’s even worn the hat in large groups of people at early hours, when they draw numbers for picking order for their blinds. I love that he does this, because people look at him a little funny….. but they’re most likely dumbstruck with insane jealousy.

There’s no such thing as going too far to get the laughs in our house.