In a recent brainstorming, we were discussing ideas for an upcoming new business pitch, and for those of you who learned everything about advertising from Melrose Place? Let me be the first to banish the romance and exotic nature from your mind. Yes, I got to talk to Bryan Adams last week, but I also deal with a lot of whining and begging and stupidity that isn’t nearly as entertaining to blog about. Heather Locklear’s character would not exist in a real ad agency because not only did she do account management, she did creative, and, well, she also did her employees. All in addition to being a landlord!

Anyway. We were discussing the point at which we leave & take the prospective clients to lunch. Because these kinds of meetings resemble nothing short of a strategic military operation, we are throwing around every possible idea/solution: limo? 15-person passenger van? walk? And I was all, OH SHIT, I hope we don’t walk 10 blocks in this 95-degree heat, because if I don’t die on the way, I am going to look like I just got out of the shower, with my hair plastered to my forehead in an extremely unattractive way, not the sexy way, no, please let us NOT WALK. Blessedly, walking was nixed. Then, my boss says, “Hansom?”

Because we have these horse-drawn carriages on the Plaza, and some of them are wire pumpkin cage-carriages entwined with white boas and mini xmas lights. And I broke the cardinal rule of brainstorming, which is that there are no bad ideas, and I boomed at him, “ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

He hasn’t stopped giving me shit about that one. But I can take it! It was funny, and yet, I wasn’t risking one minute of time on the notion that it might actually be our lunch transportation. Not that it was REALLY going to happen? Because I think they only do the horse rides at night and on the weekends. But there was no way in HELL I was riding around the Plaza in a horse-drawn carriage over the lunch hour in 95-degree heat and risking the chance the horse decides to take a dump, or has flatulence, or dies of heatstroke, or anything else. Not to mention I always associate the carriages with the crime story that broke when I first moved here about how one of the owners of one horse carriage business put a hit (a HIT!) out on the OTHER carriage business owner – both parties involved being ruthless, bloodthirsty: women! I still harbor a secret fear that the FEUD will re-erupt, and it will be that one time I foolishly agree to ride in a Cinderella carriage, and the next thing you know, I’m in some sort of modern-day Western-style shoot-out because I have the misfortune of being in the wrong hansom at the wrong time. And me without my shotgun.

So, Ix-Nay on the Ansoms-Hay. I think even Heather Locklear would agree with me on this one.

When new asphalt is poured, we will intentionally wait at least a week to draw the dividing lane stripes & dashes on the road.

Motorcycle cops (my “favorite”!) will be posted surreptitiously along the route. (They’re sneaky fucks anyway, it will come naturally, and while I would love to eliminate them entirely from my dominion, I will need them for the motorcade.) They will be watching the non-marked roads, and those who CANNOT IN THEIR OWN BRAIN FIGURE OUT HOW TO DIVIDE THE ROAD EQUALLY AND DRIVE ACCORDINGLY will be pulled over, their vehicle confiscated by the State of Jen, and sentenced to six years of walking or public transportation.

The good news is, when I rule the world, I will have an EXCELLENT bus system.

Polly has very malleable ears. She, of course, likes them rubbed. I, in my bizarro humor world, like to fold them into origami shapes. For whatever reason, her ears will fold in half & flip up, so she looks like she’s auditioning for the Flying Nun, or perhaps a new version of Princess Leia. Maybe even a Bjork-esque video. Sometimes they’ll “stay” in folded position for quite a while, and the other night she was jumping around, showing us her rubber bone and quite encouraged by our gasping laughter, completely immune to the fact her ears were staying in their folded-up state and giving her an absolutely goofy look. I tried to re-create that look this morning, but her ears must be less “fold-able” in the a.m., and so it took some effort to keep them folded long enough for pictures. But oh yes, there are pictures!

From the side….

And head-on…..

Good thing she can’t use the camera to get a shot of MY hair in the morning!!!! Revenge would truly be hers!

Well, if I were more tidy, organized & technically inclined, I’d figure out what’s jacked up in this html code. But that might interfere with being playful & chatting with the dogs, and I can’t be bothered. Let me know if I get too brash or wear on your nerves…. But keep in mind, I have been known to start bitch-slapping fights between my Sims characters. (But I HATE when they go off and sob!)

My Sim Personality

Find out your Sim personality at PersonalityLab.org!

Yesterday at brunch (Thai 2000!), the karaoke dvd was extra-peppy. One song was repetitive enough, we both thought we could actually do the chorus, despite not having a clue what they were saying. I know nothing about Thai music, but there seemed to be two categories playing on the TV yesterday: ballads and cheerful ditties.

During one of the former, I looked at JWo (who was seated with the tv at his back) and said, “You’ll never guess who this is singing.”
(Pause.)
(He looks at me expectantly.)

“Mariah Curry!”

Well, that got a groaning laugh, and then a minute later, he said, “You know who they’re playing next?”
(me, laughing, “No!”)

“Tom Kha Jovi” (tom kha gai is yummy coconut chicken soup)

Then I said, “OK, we’ve both done one, they are both really funny, we can’t do any more unless they’re really, really good.”

I had one more groaner: Flock of Sea Eaw (phad sea eaw)……

Music & Food, the international languages….

A while back, I asked JWo if he thought I was competitive. He laughed. He said that I am, and that I don’t do things (or try new things) if I think I can’t be the best at it. Well, that rang true, I guess we all have our Achilles’ Heel….. and I don’t like to do things if I can’t win. Conversely, I don’t like to play some things I’m exceptionally good at, because it’s like being in 10th grade English all over again, with my hand up….again. Hell, yes, I was Hermione …. at some things! And I was not immune to the eye rolls that accompanied being really good/smart at those things. The gauntlet is thrown: I flat-out rule at pictionary, and god help you if you’re on the opposite team.

So I’ve been cognizant that my inner Bela Karolyi keeps me from maybe having new experiences, out of the fear I’ll fail, make an idiot out of myself, etc., etc. And when JWo suggested we go to a local pub (and by local, I mean, it’s REALLY close to the house) and play Texas Hold ‘Em last night, I agreed. We played a little at home, with chips, so I could have a bit of a practice. Though I had to ask, 30 minutes before starting, if three-of-a-kind beat a straight. I still don’t have it all down. But it’s a “for-fun” league, there’s no money involved, and everyone’s really friendly & helpful. So I did it! I was nervous as hell, I didn’t grasp everything, and obviously, you won’t be seeing me on the World Poker Tour anytime soon. I was the first person out at our table, though I did last about an hour. After losing, I felt free to drink beer, which I do quite well, and joined other losers for “shit on your neighbor”, which I won the first time I played. (That one is easy to figure out.) Anyway, the point of it all is that the inner perfectionist doesn’t want to play unless there’s a good chance I will win – and yet, you can’t improve if you don’t play! So I’m glad I did it, I did NOT stay for the second tournament (JWo chauffered me home & went back to compete), and will probably do it again sometime. So I tell you, if fear of failure or embarassment or losing is holding you back on something, just tell yourself what I did:

Fuck You, Bela. I will lose, and LOVE IT.

WELL.
This morning? It was so cool, I went outside, and like, I LOVE OUTSIDE! I went good go pee, and I got the PAPER and mostly I ran around on Squirl Patrol, back and forth between these two big trees? Because I can smell them, and it is MY JOB to track them and chase them. And I like to jump up really, really high, and if I keep trying, one of these days, I will land in the branch that hangs down, and then I can run further up the tree? And I will catch one of those squirls! It is going to work. But then, then, Suzy? Told me to point my nose West, did I smell it? Oh YES! I smelled something really good. And I had to run off and find it and see it and then I had to roll in it. I smelled SO GOOD! But then it all went to hell because I finally came back home and Mister grabbed me and got out the one thing I hate more than the vacuum: The HOSE! And then I like, had a bath, and I hate baths, and now I don’t think I smell nearly as good and now I have to stay out in the kennel. Suzy came out a while ago and told me she got all the breakfast leftovers, and I’m starting to think she planned this WHOLE THING. So every so often I bark, just in case Lady is awake and wants to come and get me. Because I’d like to try to jump in the tree again. And give kisses. And Hugs. I am a good hugger. But I never get hugs after I do my perfume rolling. I don’t get that. It’s when I smell the best!

If R.Kelly is trapped in the closet, could we just pretend we don’t hear him & leave him there?

Joann’s (the mothership for crafters everywhere) is sending out emails to their loyal cult members, beckoning to us with the new hot advertising phrase: “You pay what we pay”, because now you can get the 15% employee discount sale on-line.

Because hey, if it works for the auto manufacturers, it might as well work for everybody else! Never mind I can take a 40% off coupon into the Joann store & save more without paying for shipping. And they take competitor’s coupons. Hmm. Wonder if the Volvo dealership takes Joann’s coupons? I’ll take the Cross-Country XC70, oh, and yes, here’s my coupon…..

Now, if only Crate & Barrel would have one of those “employee pricing” sales…..or Williams-Sonoma….. or Thai Place…… mmmmmm. A girl can dream.

Me & The Dawgg, at the commitment ceremony a couple months back. Let’s play the Suave ad game: One of us has had 6 gin & tonics, one of us hasn’t! WELL, if YOU can’t tell, why should we?

She is “The Dawgg” because of our equal amusement at The Original Kings of Comedy & Cedric’s bit about people asking you to call them things, like “Delicious”. I don’t know if I can pinpoint it exactly, but Lizzie Lou & I also were into All Things Hip Hop at the time, and so it just stuck. Plus, The Dawgg likes to ride in the car, what dawggs don’t?! But her real name is Shelley. ShelleyDAWWWWWGG, as I like to say on the phone.

She’s one my best girlfriends, we’re cut from the same cloth, the crossweave being 50% feisty bitch and 50% righteous indignation and boy howdy can we get mad, you should see the 4″ nails just fly out of our mouths. The Dawgg can also give a good hairy eyeball, which I sorta remember her doing to the guy at our table who was chemically analyzing the potatoes, when he asked, “Do these have cardamom in them?” I’d had so much gin, I just gave him gaping slackjawed amazement, combined with the “Are You Stupid?” eyebrow raise. And then I went back to eating all of the chocolate favors in front of me. Because there are times when one just CANNOT be bothered. Cardamom, shmardamom!

HAPPY FRIDAY!