I sat here as the sun slid down across the horizon and whispered to myself, \u201cI feel\u2026.\u201d and waited. Waited for the right word to come forward. Eventually it did, and the word was \u201cgrateful.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m grateful for the comments, messages and kind words that were sent my way in the hours since I hit \u201cpublish\u201d on my post about suicide & depression.<\/p>\n
I have written that post a thousand times in my head and my heart. I felt that I\u2019d finally reached a point, where you just drop it all, the fears, the baggage, the pain, the vulnerability, and just speak from the heart, hoping to hell it doesn\u2019t backlash on you in some unforeseen way, but also out of exhaustion from carrying it all these years. Even in the brevity of the moment, my teflon-coated heart braced for the worst. Especially as I saw the number of visitors climb, higher by the hour, in fact, the highest amount of traffic I\u2019ve ever seen on my blog.<\/p>\n
It never came. There\u2019s been silence, sure. Some people just don\u2019t know what to say. I get that. This isn\u2019t funny or comfortable or easy.<\/p>\n
So, thank you. Thanks for your comments, the love, for your own stories \u2013 from so many perspectives. It really comes down to the ability to give voice to that pain, to try and take away the shame, to recognize that so many people\u2019s lives are intersected by depression, suicide, mental illness, whether their own or a loved one. While it\u2019s sad to see there are so many people in that shared space, it\u2019s also oddly comforting, because I know only too well that it\u2019s 100x worse when you feel like you\u2019re alone. My soul aches for everyone\u2019s struggles and sadness, but my spirit soars to see and hear the conversations, the new openness that\u00a0 freed them to speak and acknowledge their own journey or a family member\u2019s. I know there are a lot of hearts out there that hurt, that are aching right here in our city. My heart still rails against reality, thinking somehow we could turn back the clocks, stop time, save these men from their demons.\u00a0 I hear Auden in my head, a drumming poem of grief.<\/p>\n
Two nights ago, I made a promise to my husband, one we shared equally, that if it ever feels that bad in the future, to speak up. Just say something. No judgment, no arguments, no criticism, just wave the flag. I hesitated for a moment \u2013 because I know how hard it is to really do it, especially in that hard, painful space. I also knew that if I made that promise, I\u2019d have to keep it. Could I keep it? I promised I would.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m heartened by the conversations I\u2019ve seen in the media, speaking so openly and frankly about depression. Included in that discussion has been the encouragement to seek help, keep seeking help, keep searching, find a way to stay alive and get through it all. Make that promise, if you\u2019ve seen even a small bit of yourself in all of this. To yourself, to your partner, to a friend or family member, just make it. Promise to wave the flag. Keep your promise. Please.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cNot knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.\u201d<\/p>\n
Emily Dickinson<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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