When I rule the world, I have a couple people already picked out to be my linguist authorities, and one of their many duties will be, of course, to police my benevolently-ruled world by correcting grammar and spelling and issuing tickets that will carry sentences like “You shall write 50 paragraphs perfectly, copied from “Eats, Shoots & Leaves.” Now, I am as guilty as the next average-to-intelligent human being, and minor typos, errors, etc., are not cause for tickets. But printing “Mom’s Love to Share!” on the bottom of every fucking receipt? CVS Pharmacy, you are getting a FIIIIINE. I’m serious! It was one of those little stacked group of lines at the bottom of the receipt, reminding you that Mother’s Day was coming, shop for Mom, here are some ideas, and of course, don’t forget chocolate! “Because Mom’s love to share!”<\/p>\n
I just shook my head when I saw it. I thought, “Self? We are talking about an enormous, giant pharmacy chain here, and they are printing this error thousands of times a day, possibly in cities all over this country, further reinforcing the concept that, when in doubt, throw in that apostrophe.” And yes, I indulged in an intellectually-superior moment. I did it, I’ll own it. I just wanted to find the person who typed it in and say, “Did you forget the first rule of determining if you need an apostrophe? Let’s try it. Mom IS. Mom is love to share. Does that sound right? OK, no. So, let’s move to the second rule: does Mom possess something? Well I can’t find it. Yes, it’d be “Mom’s chocolate”, but Mom’s (chocolate) love to share? Again we hit the no. So, let’s see. It seeeeeeeems like you’re going for MORE THAN ONE MOM. That means it’s JUST an S. Moms. Moms everywhere love to share. Moms love to share. MOMS MOMS MOMS. “<\/p>\n
The other thing I’ll have my Linguistic Authorities work on are new words for things, specifically, a simple way to refer to a person who used to be a really good friend but isn’t a friend anymore, as in, you never speak and you really don’t ever want to run into them again. “Ex-friend” seems strange, like “ex” usually applies to “husband” or “wife”. And saying all that stuff about “used to be but not now” is a mouthful. If you have a good idea, let me know. You might get to be part of the Elite Forces Crew.<\/p>\n