{"id":799,"date":"2006-06-06T13:27:00","date_gmt":"2006-06-06T18:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lawrencem94.sg-host.com\/?p=799"},"modified":"2006-06-06T13:27:00","modified_gmt":"2006-06-06T18:27:00","slug":"and-on-tuesday-she-pronged-her-eyes-out-with-a-pickle-fork","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/?p=799","title":{"rendered":"And On Tuesday, She Pronged Her Eyes Out With A Pickle Fork"},"content":{"rendered":"

OK, I\u2019m not completely caving to Tuesday yet, but she is proving to be a slightly more tenacious, if not passive-aggressive bitch.<\/p>\n

I figure if I manage to get the fork tines way back in there, I can pop my eyeballs right out with a delicate flick of the wrist. After all, I\u2019m going for effect, not distance here. And just think! With no eyeballs, I will have no road rage! And life will be like last night, when the power went out, only I won\u2019t fruitlessly struggle with JWo\u2019s 8-gajillion candlewatt flashlight that has a rocker switch on it, somewhere, but hells bells if I can find it IN THE DARK. <\/p>\n

My first thought, as I was inspecting my skin in the mirror & the lights went off & all the house noises plummeted into silence, was, \u201cOH! It\u2019s like old-timey times now.\u201d My next thought was, \u201cHow in hell am I going to sleep without a fan?\u201d Plus there\u2019s the whole, \u201cThey won\u2019t fix it iffin they don\u2019t KNOW about it!\u201d concept, so instead of donning my bonnet<\/a> and making off to bed prithee forthwith, I went in search of the aforementioned flashlight while my no-longer-sleeping husband rumbled to alertness with all the grace and fluidity of a Mack truck off-roading over landscaping rock. Claw, Claw, Claw. I ran my hands all over that thing (the flashlight, not my husband), effectively cleaning all the dust off it, and still no light. Finally the Wo stumbled into view and immediately, with his Y chromosome fully alert, flicked on the switch. I called the power company, placed an outage report, and then we harrumphed around, which for me meant being REALLY pissed the people across the street still had their lights on. I pondered how the power company could estimate my lights would be back on by 2:23 a.m. As we returned to bed, poor Wo unable to really sleep now, because his bi-pappy machine runs on, you know, electricity, I continued to ponder. \u201cI heard sirens right before the lights went out. What do you think it means? We could drive around and see what\u2019s going on.\u201d Which is really apparently my own double-speak for, \u201cHey, JWo, you should go investigate what\u2019s happening in our neighborhood.\u201d And he did. I, in turn, thanked him for his exploration by promptly falling asleep. (But not before I set my Palm Pilot to wake me up! I love my gadgets. Oh, yeah, but I had to turn the flashlight on to find the Palm Pilot? And had to get shouted instructions from the Wo. Goddamn Y chromosomes.) <\/p>\n

Everything was restored around 1:30 a.m. (see! Those KCPL peeps, they beat their time estimate!) and again, choosing sleep over everything else, I let James turn off lights & reset his clock. After all, I had the Palm on the job, I didn\u2019t need to jack with my clock. And, the fan was on. Bliss! <\/p>\n

So, back to Tuesday & our cage match & who will triumph: my workday\u2019s going pretty well, but the general ennui and irritation hasn\u2019t been completely flushed from my system, and while I\u2019d never really gouge out my own eyes, I do dabble sometimes in the insanity of the fantasy of doing something so dramatic and drastic, so King Lear, to portray the melodrama inside my brain. Just be glad you\u2019re visitin\u2019. Living here can get purrrrrty interesting some days\u2026.. but I\u2019d still put the money on me. I might be using that fork on Tuesday! I\u2019d like to use a fork on our internet right now, but that would be the moment it would finally come back to LIFE<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

OK, I\u2019m not completely caving to Tuesday yet, but she is proving to be a slightly more tenacious, if not passive-aggressive bitch. I figure if I manage to get the fork tines way back in there, I can pop my eyeballs right out with a delicate flick of the wrist. After all, I\u2019m going for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=799"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plazajen.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}