Three months ago, I attended the last session in a five-part series through Kansas City Hospice. It was a structured group designed to address the first year of grieving. On that last day, we wrote ourselves letters, and I made a mental note to brace myself to see my own handwriting in the pile of mail around early November. <\/p>\n
Well, the letter came on Tuesday, but that was book club night, so I didn’t open it. Last night, I paused, picked it up, and then set it back down. My headache didn’t really fade until close to bedtime & I slept for over ten hours. This morning, I told myself I’d open it, and got all the way out to the car before I realized I’d left it inside. I waited for the alarm to set itself, and then went back in. Re-set the alarm, back out to the car. Sat in my car, and read the words I’d written to myself. Purple ink on pink paper, too. And I cried, but it was a mixture of emotions – I’m sad, I was surprised to see that indeed, I had made some progress (here were also things I hadn’t yet done), and I was shocked by my own wisdom and perspective. Because I wrote the letter, honestly, as if I were a parent writing to a child, with my hopes for myself, and with humor, and with love. One thing I’d hoped for myself did come true – I’d hoped to be less angry, less desiring of punching things. Anger has been replaced with sadness, which I suspect will take a lot longer to fade, and ultimately will never leave me. <\/p>\n
I think everyone who goes through a major life upheaval should do this very same thing – and give the letter (all set to go – stamped & addressed) to a trusted friend. There’s something very different about opening a letter than re-reading a blog entry, or flipping through a journal. At least it was for me. I won’t write it all again here (some of it is just between me & me ;) ), but here are a couple of paragraphs that resonated.<\/p>\n
8.07.2006
Dear Jennifer,<\/p>\n
This has been a rough summer for you, and hopefully things have gotten a little easier. I hope that you’ve been able to write about some of your favorite “Dad” memories – and that it feels OK, maybe even good. {note – haven’t quite done this one yet!} I want you to remember him, every day, even if it’s in a joke or a smirk or an angry political reaction – he’s living on inside you and it’s ok to remember the good times.<\/p>\n
Remember to tell all those friends, family & your husband that you love them. Thank them again for all that they did & continue to do. Remember how much your dad loved you – it never leaves you. You will always be his princess, his Fergendorfer, his little girl.<\/p>\n
Start looking at the types of grasses you & James will plant in your memorial garden next Spring. Make sure you still know where those Suburban gift cards are. {this made me laugh}<\/p>\n
Don’t worry. As he said in his last true conversation with you: it will all be OK.<\/p>\n
It will. {this made me cry, both sad tears and joy tears.}<\/p>\n
Love,
Jennifer<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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