Riding the Bike with One Pedal.

Month: September 2005 (Page 4 of 4)

Kristin F. Bentley

OK. So you know Miss Kristin and I work together. But now our working relationship is taking on a bizarre parallel to Puff, wait, P, wait, DiddyDaddyDoDongDay and Farnsworth Bentley.

Last week, we went to lunch, and it was raining. Always prepared (ok, I’m a flippin’ pack rat and my car’s a giant purse), I had two umbrellas in the back seat. By the time lunch with our (hilarious) rep was over, so was the rain. So we’re walking back to my car, and she suddenly gets the notion to be all “Farnsworth Bentley” on me, and walk behind me while carrying an open umbrella over my head. As silly and ridiculous as that was, it was so funny, I was hooting like I was calling the cows in from the back 40. Anyone who saw us had to think, “Whooo, stay away, that one ain’t right.” (I don’t care, I’m almost used to it now.)

Oh, it doesn’t stop there. Did you know Farnsworth also works as a bodyguard? Yesterday, I see this dresser for sale on CraigsList, and it’s cheap, it’s purportedly from Target, and I send an email. A girl writes me back. Turns out, she lives a block from work! So I announce to anyone within earshot, “OK, so if I don’t show up tomorrow, it’s because I went to buy a dresser from a girl who turned out to be a killer.” And Kristin offers to come along. (Our boss Jim was not pleased when I informed him his entire media department could be kidnapped and enslaved after work.) She defined herself as “the muscle”. Anyway, the dresser wasn’t my thang, we would’ve had to cart it down three flights of stairs & on the way back to the car, I noticed Miss K was wearing cute little sandals with heels. Not good moving shoes. But excellent for Charlie’s-Angels-ass-kickin’. If necessary.

I’m so glad she’s here. I’m protected from being kidnapped AND the sun.

I’m Purple With Envy

I guess it’s not about WHAT my favorite color is, but what the personality of my blog is…… Thanks to Scorpy for the fun quiz link! Guess I’ll be humming that Coldplay song, “Yellow”, all day now…. ’cause my blogs allll yelllooooowwww.

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You’re a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh.
You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link.
You’re also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up:

On tonight’s 10p news, there was a report about an apartment building fire in Midtown KC. Two mattresses were intentionally set on fire in an apartment, and they have a suspect; the arsonist’s mug shot was shown, with the quote that he allegedly started the fires because? Oh, don’t even try to guess this one. He set shit STUFF on fire because he felt unloved. Yes, UNLOVED. I guess he was hoping for a big wet one & bear hug from the firefighters?!?

I am thinking someone at the Tele-Prompter might be a long-lost cousin of mine. Because that was one of those lines where I surfaced from my own fog with the look of a large bear being rudely interrupted from a fresh raspberry tart. The link at the tv station is not up yet, but if/when it gets posted, I will update. Because otherwise, somebody at Live, Late-Breaking & Investigative is having a leeeetle bit of fun on this holiday weekend!!!!!

Only in America: The I’m-So-Unloved Defense. I much prefer the Too Many Raspberry Tarts and Chai Lattes Defense.

Updated 9/6: Confirmation of Unloved Rationale can be found here.

Fashion Nugget

I remember being 8 years old. I thought I was the SHIZ-NIT, and nobody could touch my essential J-Funk kinda style. Mmm-hmmm. Kickin’ it in black & white Mary Janes, wide wale corduroys, shapeless vests that are now strikingly similar to the Wal-Mart uniform, with side ties. When my mother took me out for my birthday, I wore my grandmother’s long-discarded cat-eye sunglasses and carried an ancient purse. I made those relics look GOOD.

So it was with great regret later, when I realized I had not brought my camera to MommaLinda’s last night, because my nieces were there, and the 8-year old made her entrance into the living room with a flourish. Miranda was wearing overall shorts & a t-shirt, and that’s where normal stopped. She had on a crazy purple headband, lots of blue eyeshadow, a pair of enormous pink & green fleece slippers on her feet, an Eeyore purse carabiner-clipped to her right overall strap, and a black monkey named “Chatty” carabiner-clipped to her left strap. The PIÈCE DE RÉSISTANCE? One white glove. I nearly bit my tongue in half, because I had to force myself to remember she is only 8, and so I kept my Michael Jackson comments to myself.

She then proceeded to perform magic tricks. It was hilarious. She did a great job, and after a couple of hours hanging out, having things clipped to one’s overalls seemed kind of normal. (Hey, after my previous post, I don’t claim to be the standard for normal, either.) But let me just say that the funniest line came from her sister, directed at JWo, later in the evening. He was giving her a hard time, teasing & so on, and she finally had had enough & said, “Don’t make me fight you, little man.”

So you know what phrase will be overused around HERE over the next few months….

I’m Speshal

OK, I got a little loopy at knit night last week. There was a point in time when Abbey and I were laughing so hard, I was doubled over, crying. But you know how it is when you hit the wall? Well, I hit the wall. Beth & I had carpooled out to the Hinterlands (a.k.a. “Olathe”), and I was ready to go. So I was standing up, and everyone was still talking, and I was speaking in my “speshal” voice, which is reminiscent of Sylvester the Cat, because I was still feeling goofy, even if I was tired. I also had my purse & knitting bag on my head. Straps over my forehead, bags hanging at the back. It seemed perfectly normal to me – and then Abbey looked up at me and said, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” And I explained that my people in my tribe often carry their bags on their heads when they are tired of carrying them in their hands. My people do! I told Beth to get a move on or I was gonna put a plate in my lip for the drive home. Amid all the laughter, I believe I also discussed my special shoes. (Not really, but come on, any footwear I’m wearing is, by definition, “special”. And my spluttering special silly voice lends itself to question whether I’m completely mentally competent.) And just in case you thought I was SuperVain about having my own tribe, I put it out there for ridicule: me with my purse on my head. I’m not proud. Just silly. And don’t forget speshal.

Melancholy & Moby

The best way I can describe how I’ve felt this past week: melancholy. I don’t mean to minimize anything, and I’ve seen some blogs & lists get overrun with vituperate comments, because obviously, there are a lot of opinions & emotions running high. I had some of my busiest days ever at work on Tuesday & Wednesday, and both evenings were spent doing things – so I pretty much felt like I’d been living under a rock when I finally had a chance to see what was happening in New Orleans, and the aftermath of the levee breaking. It’s horrible. There are a thousand heart-wrenching stories, the images and accounts boggle the mind that this is happening in our country – after all, we’re the law everywhere else in the world, how can we have anarchy in our own streets?

OK, that broached starting a debate. Not my goal. I am sad, and like many people, feel helpless. I made a donation to the Red Cross, just as I did after 9/11. I can’t look at any more pictures, I can’t hear any more stories about dogs, because it’s going to pull me under, and again, I can’t do anymore than I’ve already done. I am going to keep checking on bloggers like Amanda B., from Hattiesburg, who has lost her home & material possessions, but fortunately got out with her husband & pets. I’m going to trust in our rescue organizations, the National Guard, and the cities surrounding the area to get order restored & save lives.

I listened to Moby’s “Play” album today while I pressed tomatoes for sauce & thought about how his music is perfect if you’re feeling a bit melancholy, but don’t want to sink below the surface – it’s got haunting sounds, but it also soothes. Some of the songs are very upbeat, and it’s just such a good balance of music. While I cranked the tomato press, I thought about a lot of things I take for granted every day. For those things, I am grateful. Grateful and happy, with a twist of melancholy.

The Story of Frank & Carly

About three miles from my childhood home, in the farmlands & woods of Northeast Iowa, there lived two old, pencil-thin men, German bachelor farmers, and they ran a sawmill on their property.

Frank was the younger of the two, and he did most of the sawmill work. Gigantic hands. Carly walked with a cane, and would sometimes come outside to watch the work, as big thick trees were fed into the deafening, screeching sawblade, wood chunks and dust spewing. They had a couple of dogs, one that looked “mostly” black lab, the other “mostly” some sort of hound. Carly would often sit, with his right hand on his cane, and his left hand on the head of a dog. In the summer, this pose was outside; in winter he would be found by the stove. I never saw Carly wear anything but overalls.

They lived in a primitive two-room house, with no running water and their source of heat was a large, black, cast-iron stove that also served as their cooking surface. My sense of what they ate was primarily oatmeal and soup. Water came from a pump, a few steps outside the front door. Carly slept on a small cot in the main room, and you could see Frank’s single bed in the other room, neat as a pin, one lone pillow & a dark green blanket, neatly spread over his mattress.

Mountains of sawdust appealed to me, being an only child who spent loads of time in the imaginary worlds of my mind. They looked like you could have the same experience as with a mountain of snow, so I would clamber to the top, and slide down the other side. The difference, of course, being that when snow goes down your pants, it’s cold – but it melts. When sawdust goes down your pants, you never quite get it all out, and it scratches. I spent most of my time at the sawmill regretting my belief (that renewed each time we went) that the sawdust mountain would be great fun, and the rest of the time grabbing at my butt, trying to extricate wood shavings from my underwear.

Frank & Carly had never married. I noticed that when my mother was there, they both studied their shoes, ever polite, but definitely more uncomfortable. Painfully shy around women, it was not surprising they’d never found someone. They spoke very little as it was, their German accents thick and their lives spent together meant a learned communication that didn’t require speaking often. I was a little easier to take, being 9 or so, despite my gyrations to get sawdust out of my clothes. Just a kid. I’d play with the dogs & pet them, but I still remember just a lot of quiet sitting, waiting for the wood to get cut, shifting & itching in my chair.

As we’d had a rough transition into living in the area (most people feared the long hair of my father & his hippie friends, and were convinced the next Woodstock was coming to their safe little world), we were always Midwest Polite, bringing baked goods on our visits to those who would see us. It became evident that Frank & Carly loved pie over all other baked goods. LOVED it. Lemon meringue was their favorite. My mother would make two pies, keeping one for us, and sending the other along with my father, beads of browned sugar floating along the surface of the baked meringue. Since they had no oven, and a simple diet, I’m sure the tart lemon and creamy meringue was always a treat to their everyday world. We’d get the pie plate back, clean as a whistle; though we knew how they washed their dishes: boiling hot water, heated on the stove, and no soap. My mother would always make me wash the pan again, even though I protested the first time, showing her how clean it was. No matter, they didn’t use soap. I always felt guilty when I washed that pie pan, because it seemed as though we were quietly saying we were better than them, that our ways were somehow superior to theirs, despite their limited world and how well it functioned for them, despite the fact we were certainly bigger outcasts than they were.

The funniest thing was something Carly would do with whichever dog was by his side. He did it in those times we’d find ourselves sitting together, during long stretches of quiet. He’d look at me, and then reach down to the dog, gently putting his hand over the muzzle, fingers reaching down to the bottom of their mouth. He’d pull up on the skin, exposing the dog’s teeth in a faux snarl. In his thick German accent, he’d say, “Wicious!” and I would laugh and laugh, both at the absolutely NOT vicious dog, and the V sound becoming a W. My father and I siezed it as our own, and always with the dramatic pause & look before pronouncing our dog, “Wicious!” Frank and Carly are long gone – but their simple life and that strange mix of shyness and politeness still sticks with me. The humor, of course, of “Wicious” – still lives on:

Evasive Maneuvers

While driving home last night, we encountered another Idiot Who Got His License On BOGO Free Day, as he attempted to merge at a rate slower than normal traffic, veering back and forth as he doubted his every move. JWo flashed his brights at him, indicating, yes, we see you, please come over; he did, but still, going loads slower than normal highway speeds.

So, we’re calling him an idiot, but our exit is next, so it’s just another Idiot Encounter that’s about to end, and our blinker’s on, and we’re moving to the off-ramp. OH NO! Idiot cannot decide where the F he’s going! Now his blinker is on, to also exit. JWo backs off on the gas. Blinker goes off. WTF? Blinker goes on. JWo has had it! He accelerates, and we pass Idiot Who Knows Not Where He’s Goin’ and speed up to the light. When we pass, I see that the passenger in the car looks like she has escaped from a mental institution, and she balefully looks back. Her hair alone said “I Have Nothing To Lose”. I am a little nervous, and watch the mirrors, as it’s now Two Confirmed Idiots progressing down the ramp, ready to tell JWo to run the light if any Idiots gets out of the car with automatic weaponry. Idiots instead pull up to the right-turn ramp, and we look at the car. JWo says, “Ford Escort?” I say, “Could be Mercury Tracer.” We laugh. It’s been in an accident or two, big dents, a piece o’ crap, with not much better behind the wheel.

The light changes, and we part ways with Idiots.

Two lights later? Holy Crap. Idiots on the right, in a turn-only lane. We’re not sure, if it’s the same idiots, but it’s a banged-up dented car, same color, and the Dude Idiot gave JWo a big “look” when he glanced over. I just noticed the front end of the car, and we were staccato whispering to each other without moving our lips. (Everyone’s windows were down.) Me: “IS THAT THEM?” JWo: “I don’t know. He looked at me. Don’t look.” Longest. Light. Ever. Finally, it’s green. JWo punches it. Now we’re sure they’re the Idiots, because they are trying to go forward, from their turn-only lane. Free from stiff-upper-lip speech, I squeal, “You gotta lose ’em, James!” JWo is already on-task, stating he is now “engaging in evasive maneuvers”. Because we’re only blocks from our house, we can’t lead them to our home base! So the Idiots are forced to fall in several cars back, and we take a circuitous route home. After two blocks, it looks like we’ve lost ’em, so I engage in some lighthearted Cartman-esque “Pshewh! Pshewh!” fake gunfire out the backwindow, as though we are not Jen & JWo, but Bonnie & Clyde, fleeing the scene.

Before we even pulled into the drive, we could see Polly, waiting, there at the door. I love how dogs sense & know you’re coming home, especially after an evening ending on Evasive Maneuvers. Bonnie & Clyde should have been so lucky.

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