OK, I like to dabble in trifling fantasies sometimes, mostly under the header “If Jen Ruled The World” and one of those governing rule mandates would have to cover driving.
Here’s a few rules that would get implemented under my tyranny, I mean, Benevolent Rule:
1. Turn Signals.
A. If you throw it on WHILE you’re in the middle of changing lanes, it does NOT COUNT. In fact, it is more insulting that you did it as an “afterthought”, rather than putting it on and THEN moving over. Like you’re throwing a bone to the rest of us “riff-raff” and blessing us with a half-baked courtesy. Ticket.
B. If you LEAVE your signal on, extensively, blinkety-blink-blink-blink long after you’ve changed lanes? Ticket.
C. You completely ignore using a signal and instead rely on the element of “surprise” when changing lanes, often indicated by a grabbing of the steering wheel and violently throwing it to the left or right, while punching the gas? Ticket.
2. If your wipers are on, your lights are on. Minnesota made this a rule/law. It’s a good one. Don’t do it? Ticket.
3. Constant tapping of the brakes. Look. Either you need to slow down or you don’t. I remember a crazy illustration when I was young, of Goofy, illustrating how you used the brake: you pretended that you had an egg between your foot and the pedal. I was, apparently, the only person to see this. I will not fine you for this, but I may run you off the road. If you’re so afraid behind the wheel, take the f’ing bus. You’ve been warned.
4. See a “Lane Closed Ahead” sign? This does not translate, in ANY LANGUAGE, to “Speed Like The Devil Until Lane Ends And Then, Merge Like A Bastard In Front Of Everyone Else Who Payed Attention.” Do it again? Ticket.
5. Someone lets you in, because you put your blinker on and you were doing it at the right time? Give ’em a wave. It’s fifty cents in the karma bank, and thirty dollar debits if you don’t.
This is, of course, only a start. I’m sure we’ll have a future blog post covering more driving transgressions (and yes, that’s the ROYAL WE). However, lest you fear for your personal independence and freedoms under my rule, think again. In Land of Jen? There are NO MOTORCYCLE COPS.
oh. But. One last thing. I’m always in front. Always.
You ARE fucking hilarious!
I second all those rules. and I’ll try to abide. ;)
I totally agree with every law you have set forth, oh queen and ruler of all! (Sorry, I fell into your fantasy, it’s been a long day…).
SERIOUSLY, why do people leave their blinkers on? Don’t they hear that tickety-tick blinkety-blink noise it makes in your car? It drives me ape shit just THINKING about hearing that noise over and over when I see someone with their blinker on and on and on and on…
#2 is the law in Missouri now too. The AAA magazine had two sentence blurb about it, but I haven’t heard it anywhere else.
I would add: if you want to turn left, and there’s a left-turn lane, you must use the turn lane. Silly of me, I know, but I’m just that way.