Month: May 2005 (Page 3 of 4)

Well, I do love the CostCo. I love saying “THE CostCo”, because I feel like I’m already moving right into being the amusing, yet grouchy, eighty-year-old woman with large black plastic shades over my regular eyewear that I am destined to become. I already have the cane from my gymnastics accident last fall, I just need to shake it at people.

So, last night, as Miss Kristin & I breezed through all the foodstuffs, stopping to devour a sample or three, I discovered one of my favorite things to do: Lie to people, specifically, people I’ll never be accountable to, ever again. One of the sample-server people admired the enormous cake we had in the cart, and believe you me, CostCo cake is one of the greatest sugar delivery methods on the face of the planet. You can get cheesecake-flavored filling, and icing made with real Philadelphia cream cheese. And you can have them decorate it with a princess, and I’m here to tell you right now that Subway got all the artists in the food industry, because the representation of princesses on CostCo cakes is a little lacking when it comes to the beauty department. They’re actually ok, until it comes to features, and then you just get the standard two black dots and a smile. It looks funny as hell to me. Anyway, we were getting the admiration from the worker, and I breezily replied, “Thank you! It’s for our niece’s birthday. She’s six.” Like Kristin and I are sisters, or lesbanese, and it was for OUR six-year-old niece, NOT for our fellow knitter, Kim, who is at least 29.

As we wheeled away, Kristin started laughing at me – “What the hell was that?”
And I said, “It’s fun to lie freely to people I’ll never have to answer to, ever again.” It feels fun, it’s not hurting anyone, and it’s in the same category as JWo at a restaurant, always putting us in under his alternative name, “Kowalski”. It also feels a little like that kid we were & we all outgrow and forget about, so long ago, who makes up stuff and adventures and friends or pets, and can convincingly talk to you about Snuffles the Magic Turtle, or the invisible friend Ethel who only shows up to chat when you have to pee. (I had a friend who had one of those, for real!)

Our little niece, Kim Kowalski. I hope she has fun on her big birthday today. ;)

JWo and I went to a party last night thrown by one of the outdoor vendors in town – it was really fun: great decorations, including elaborate ice sculptures, martinis and loads of food. Fabulous weather, too. They even gave away prizes, like iPod shuffles and a playstation, and did we win? NO. Oh well. We still got dinner for free, and we’re simple folk, that’s good enough. On the drive back, I was behind the wheel & I commented on the driver in front of me (of course! I am the best driver in the WORLD!), and muttered, “WHY does this guy keep hitting his brakes?!?”

JWo (being a smartass): “He’s gittin’ a handjob.”

And we were laughing & then, one second later, the passenger in the truck scooted closer to the driver and then THE OUTLINE OF SAID PASSENGER DISAPPEARED as she dove face-first into the driver’s lap! OH MAH GAWD. JWo was only joking about the handjob but it was actually true, and apparently the distracting situation had – shall we say – escalated!

Let me say, despite JWo’s hootin’ and hollerin’ and thumbs-uppin’ as we passed the dude: not only did Mr.(presumably) Happy’s driving skills continue to deteriorate? His driving SUCKED!

There’s something odd and funny when you go to a concert and you’re bridging that gap between “older fan” and “potential chaperone”. As someone who never got to go to concerts as a teen, I came late to the sport. Living in Minneapolis was awesome, and I saw loads of concerts, many at First Avenue (where Prince played in Purple Rain!), and would get sauced up and dance and have a grand old time and then, if necessary, go to work the next morning.

Now I schedule half-days off the following morning.

And I drank just enough Smirnoff Twists to feel perky, and kept yelling at Roger to keep drinking, as he was starting to melt into the couch and fall asleep before we left for the concert! We watched American Idol, and then the first hour of the Amazing Race finale, and his boyfriend chauffeurred us to the concert. We timed it perfectly, missing the opening act, and got there maybe twenty minutes before the Killers were to take the stage. So we spent it having a couple more drinks, hanging out in the lobby area (where it was only 250 degrees, as opposed to in the concert area, where it was hot enough to bake a pot roast in thirty minutes: that translates to convection-oven heat at approximately 500′.) We ended up hanging out with Afentra, the morning show host for the station sponsoring the concert – talking about people we all knew, her upcoming wedding, how we normally communicate – she sometimes reads my blog, I call in and rant about politics and stupid people and email her at the station, frothing at the mouth, it’s all good. Then the music started. We stuck it out for maybe 30-40 minutes, until the played all the songs we wanted to hear (they only have one album, though they’re crankin’ on new stuff), and then we called David to come back and get us! Did I mention it was HOT? Even the BAND commented that they were from Las Vegas, and they weren’t used to heat that was so – so – “moist”. Uh-huh. Welcome to Misery, kids.

David gets us, accompanied by li’l Emily-loo-who, one of the cutest dogs on the planet, and we head back home. Suddenly, David veered into Wendy’s. Good call. Junior cheeseburgers and frostys, soaked up all the sugar and alcohol, and we went back to their house & watched the taped last hour of the Amazing Race finale. Peeps, there is a God. Roger & I cried, as we watched Uchenna & Joyce race in to the finish line. My need for fairness and justice in the world was quenched, at least for one night. I hit the sheets at midnight, and snored soundly until this morning, where I had a leisurely time getting ready & then met a magazine rep for lunch. Now I’m at work and should probably get some work done, because that’s what this whole grown-up life is centered around.

Ah, Youth. Like the flip-flop I totally (and accidentally!) ripped off some idiot girl last night because she was walking too slowly and being indecisive – it’s gone so fast.

I’ve got the Ughs. I’m wiped out from this weekend, I have a concert to attend tomorrow night, which will be awesome fun, but because I’m now an Old Lady, I have to take Wednesday morning OFF from work, because I can’t go to a concert that starts at 9 p.m. and still get up and go to work the next day. I’m trying to finagle some VIP passes so I don’t have to be mashed on the floor with the riffraff…actually it’s more about me being short and not wanting to have to fight for space in a crowd and have my view for two hours be of some idiot’s back.

That aside, we had a horrible accident here this morning in in a northern suburb – a schoolbus carrying 38 children hit two stopped cars & killed both drivers, one of the men killed is my close friend’s boss at a small agency of 4 people. So I felt sadness & empathy for him today, as well as all the terrified parents who tried to find out if their kids were ok in the aftermath. He’s been one of the people answering the phone & fielding all the calls, so I’m sure he’s pretty worn down himself.

OH, after my big gettin-lost-in-the-rough-KCK last week, I did get my new chair this morning, but I apparently sparked a wave of ChairEnvy(tm), and now other people are lobbying for new chairs. Whups.

Lessee. I went for sushi at lunch, ate eel for the first time, and had to climb into my rep’s Ford F-150 that was way the hell off the ground with no steppy things, and let me tell you, hoisting my bodacious booty up into a truck is not one of my favorite things to do, given that I’m 5’3″. Short people got all kinds of business, so piss off all you who think that’s a funny song, and make sure you have running boards on your goddamn vehicle and be a dear & get me some VIP passes for the Killers, would you please? This short lady needs a break.

It’s always a conundrum, this holiday. I dread finding the card, because as hard as I try, I always end up grabbing six gushing, fawning, “You’re my mother, my BEST FRIEND, thank you for all your love and support, you gave me life, you’re the wind beneath my wings, Heaven sent you to be My Angel, so Happy Mother’s Day”, and eventually I get to the card that just wishes a happy day, simply stated, and I avoid an emotional breakdown in the middle of Target. Now, I also buy cards for JWo’s mom & grandmother, so it breaks up the focus a bit, and this year, I also got a card for my Auntie Karen who is here this weekend visiting from Florida. It was fun to buy her one of those gushing cards, as the first one I saw was absolutely nail-on-the-head perfect: To my Aunt, who is like a second mother.

For those who have wonderful mothers, who have great relationships with their mothers – enjoy today. Appreciate what you have, for not everyone is as lucky. I have tried every which way to make today a different experience for me, I have engaged and I have cut off, I feel guilt and anger, helplessness and sadness, but in the end, I have to take care of myself.

Last year, I sent a card, AND a live rose bush. Yellow roses. Her favorite. There was no acknowledgement, no thank you, and as my very-wise Auntie pointed out long ago in one of our conversations, “Behavior that is not reinforced is not repeated.” This year, I bought myself three pink hedge rose bushes, which should arrive this week. They will represent the last two years of marriage, plus the third for the future. Next Sunday (our two-year anniversary), is the real holiday this month.

Celebrate what you have, what you want, the ones you love – every day, not just when Hallmark tells us to.

Boy, howdy, I do like the tequila. Not in vast, falling-down quantities, of course, but I still marvel at how many different kinds there are still out there, waiting for me to try them. The new bosses decided to buy everyone beverages at the bar/restaurant next door, starting at 4 pm yesterday, and I had a shot of something called “Patron” – it’s a sign of good tequila when you DON’T need salt or a lime to keep your face from screwing up into a pre-toddler wail.

Anyway, I went off to knit night in a considerably giddier state of mind than I normally do, and all my co-workers were stunned I was leaving the partying to GO KNIT. I said, “I can’t stay any longer, my gauge will be OFF!” which of course meant nothing to them, and at first they thought I was using “knitting” as a euphamism for something else. To borrow from JWo, they will need more time to reconcile the contradictions that are the Jennifer – a girl who can toss back the top shelf tequila, AND knit like your gramma.

Funny crib notes from knit night? One individual was bestowed the title of “Master Baker”, which said quickly sounds extremely funny, and good old Mike Hunt came up in conversation, which meant we were giggling and snorting like ten-year-olds. But the funniest? The development of a practical joke on someone we know who WORSHIPS Alice Starmore & her patterns, to plant someone near her at the yarn shop with a photocopy of one of the patterns & something that looked like it was just being cast on for such a sweater – out of Red Heart. Preferably in a variegated dyelot, for an Extra Ugly factor.

(Alice Starmore aran sweaters are unbelievable and incredibly complex – the charts alone make me flinch & my left eye starts twitching. So to knit them in Red Heart? :clutching at one’s heart: It would drive someone to drink – probably an entire bottle of tequila, including the worm.)

Bangkok!

(That’s James’ joke. It’s one of the very few I can remember.)

There’s a reason I’m talking about Bangkok and Thailand today, because my best friend Shelley just got home after spending three weeks in Thailand! I’ve missed her while she was gone, catching myself as I reached for my cell phone, or the home phone, to call her and tell her about something funny or scandalous. We have loads to catch up on, but we did have a short chat yesterday morning, where I ascertained she did NOT get engaged, as many thought she might, she is NOT going to eat rice for a long time, and she DID ride an elephant and get to play with their trunks. BITCH! How freaking awesome is that?

She went there with her boyfriend & his uncle’s church group, where they worked in a village, building a water system. She slept on the floor of a thatch hut, and they apparently lucked out and had a more deluxe model, with planks, surrounded by a bamboo floor. (bamboo! Abbey, I’m gonna kill you for ingraining your little Bamboo! voice in my head.) Under the hut: chickens and roosters. Apparently roosters cock-a-doodle whenever the hell they feel like expressing themselves, not just at sunrise. And when it rained, birds and whatnot took shelter in their hut as well, because it’s not like it was a hut with a door and double-glazed windows. I cannot wait to see the pictures. I can’t wait to SEE her! I guess it also was quite hot, as they returned to the city of Chang Mai, where they had thermometers, and it was 104 degrees. She was a foot taller than all the people there, and they kept chirping, “Big one! Big one!” when they saw her. She was like, uh, yeah, thanks.

And apparently? If you are riding an elephant & they go downhill? You hang on for DEAR LIFE.

So in honor of Shelley returning from Thailand, I finally present photos from an awesome brunch at THAI 2000! I bet she doesn’t want to go on Sunday.

Appetizer Medley: Lettuce wraps with a pork/vegetable filling (you put cilantro & mint in the roll, too), waterfall rice noodle salad, and heavenly spring rolls. 

JWo loves loves loves the desserts. At the top we have gellified water chestnuts in coconut cream (I like this one – traditionally, crushed ice is also added), and the pink and white squares are some kind of weird rubbery jello that have the resilience of Knox Blox on steroids, and a texture when you eat them of little hard bits of jello everywhere. The texture freaks me out & I’m not normally affected that much by texture. So this is alllllll for JWo. 

Yesterday, I was in the shower, blasting my shower radio & listening to the DJs stick their noses into people’s business, at said people’s request, and marvelling at the stupidity and naievete of people who think resolving personal issues via the radio is a good idea.

Suddenly, James was in the bathroom (he had left for school right before I got into the shower.) I asked him what was wrong, pulling back the shower curtain. His face looked so sad, I was bewildered & was immediately concerned that something terrible had, though I guess it wasn’t so desperate a demeanor to make me worried about the dogs. He told me that we’d had a frost, that’s what had killed the tomatoes up by the house, and – this is the bad part – it killed his giant pumpkin.

Now, as you look at words, and you maybe read about James’ desire to grow a giant pumpkin for the first time, you might chuckle. The phrase “Giant Pumpkins” is kind of funny, on its own. But my heart just broke for him, and I sent him an email mid-morning, expressing my sadness and how I wished I could fix it.

He wrote me back & told me that he was already germinating some fresh seeds, and while he was bummed, he was ready to try again. Since he’d been talking about the pumpkins with his classes, he had to tell them the bad news. One of the other fifth-grade teachers had her class make him SYMPATHY CARDS. It was so touching. Here are a few pix – the collection was touching, hilarious, and bittersweet. And as JWo put it, moments like that are exactly why he teaches, and they’re moments most of us never get in our jobs.