Month: November 2005 (Page 1 of 4)

Yesterday morning, I got up early & made a double batch of banana chocolate chip muffins. 12 muffins, and 5 mini-loaves. Mmm-hm! Even as I was making the batter, I was skeptical of the recipe – it seemed to thick. And, sadly, it was. Too much flour, and I’ll never use that recipe again. They were a little more like biscuits. I had one muffin, and JWo had one & a half mini loaves. We joked that they were probably “dog treats”.

Oh, how true it is when you have a black lab in the home….

Yesterday afternoon, a certain Miss Polly Purebred snuck off from the computer room, and ate ALL BUT FOUR MUFFINS. That means she had 7 muffins, and 3 & 1/2 mini loaves of bread. Like, over 3 cups of flour, some eggs, almost a bag of chocolate chips, a cup of sugar – hey! It’s not exactly the BARK diet, but it was homemade! James saw her skulking back in, and thought, “oh, noooooo….” and the fact that she wasn’t keyed-up dancing and asking for dinner. Turns out, she’d helped herself to a li’l dinner, right off the kitchen counter. That dog loves to stand up like a freakin’ kangaroo, and she’s not afraid to exploit her skills to serve her better! James was worried the chocolate would affect her badly, and I said, “Oh, hell, Ashley’s dogs have eaten entire bags of Hershey’s chocolates & been fine.”

The baking plans I have for this weekend? Will be CLOSELY MONITORED. I’m not planning on making any more DOG TREATS. Y’hear that, Miss P?

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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So, last night, we went to the casino for dinner. They had a great shrimp (and prime rib, but I could give a rip about prime rib) buffet, and we had a yummy time. I don’t frequent the casinos much at all, so it’s like being in a foreign country for me. We decided to pool some money and play video poker. Of course we lost, and then JWo wanted to play some blackjack, so I idly lost more money in various slot machines in between wandering around and watching him play.

Here is my one succinct observation in a casino. If you walk around and say, “I lost it all!” even though you just mean the $10 you put into the nickel slot machine, people will jerk their heads around and look at you with abject fear in their eyes, fear you can spot clearly through the smoky haze. Because they think you lost your house, your car, your dogs and your mamma. I said “I lost it all!” quite cheerfully, about three times, to JWo, and by the third time, picked up on the fact that what I was saying was akin to shouting “Fire” in the movie theater. This reaction happened with men, women – all races, with the alarmed look and head jerk.

Which made me laugh, of course, because yes, I did not exit a winner, but I do not like to gamble, and once I’m in doing it, of course I’m sure I’m going to hit triple sevens on a progressive slot and get a quarter of a million dollars. But when my credits are done, so am I. I don’t keep feeding the machine, for Las Vegas doesn’t twinkle and shine because it was built on winners. And I AM A WINNER. If only in my mind. Now, if they had a slot machine that dispensed yarn? (Noro Slots!) I could seriously, seriously find myself putting the house on the line.
(just kidding, JWo!)

The internal phone ring at the Major Case Squad on Law & Order, Criminal Intent?

Sounds just like our doorbell.

I did not notice this similarity NEARLY as much as Miss Polly did.

BURF!

Unpack materials. Neatly stack non-recyclable parts of packing into one pile. Note one’s precision and feel smug. Find instructions. Read them, carefully & diligently.

Cut out template for drilling holes; ascertain you DO have an overhang style cabinet, tape template into cleaned out shelf.

Discover drill will not fit in shelf. Plan B. Tape template to underside of cabinet.

Attempt to tape template.

Attempt taping over and over again, for it seems there is a special non-tape-adhering style paint that has been applied and enjoy squishing your face underneath the cabinet. Despite the fact the template is hanging on by a thread, drill first hole. Template falls off.

Now, template must not only be taped up, but must match first hole.

Find bamboo skewer in drawer. Put through hole, tape into place on shelf surface, which does not posess the teflon quality paint finish as the underside.

Put template back in place, apply more tape & hastily mark holes with a brown sharpie.

Commence with the drilling.

Drilling sucks.

Scream at the dog to return to her pillow.

Get all four holes drilled, finally.

Locate correct size spacers to accommodate depth of overhang. Realize one is not a Hindu deity, and recognize at this point in the installation, it has become a job requiring approximately six hands. Extra hands are not included. Illustration neglects to show any hands at all. Burn hole in instructions with eyes.

Attempt to grow four more hands by staring hard at the tequila bottle on the counter. Fail.

Say a prayer to your other favorite goddess, Necessity, and assemble the following into a tower: One oval Calphalon roasting pan, One large can of Kirkland brand Columbian coffee, One Fanny Farmer cookbook, One dilapidated Moosewood Restaurant cookbook, and One box of Betty Crocker SuperMoist yellow cake mix. Set undercounter CD/Radio/Clock on top of this pile, discover box of yellow cake mix makes the pile too high, and position radio under drilled holes.

Discover one hole ain’t right.

Attempt to fix without drilling fourteen new holes. Or moving the Tower of Radio. Fail.

Lose temper. Consider drinking tequila and leaving project for husband. Note is only 9:30 a.m.

Begin tightening the three screws that do line up. Begin to think three screws are just fine.

Become incredibly frustrated drill/screwdriver has not magically grown smaller and (once again) will not fit in shelf, thus mandating all three screws will be tightened by hand.

As clock rises to meet the underside of counter, you will need the SuperMoist yellow cake mix. Jam box in.

Back left screw will continue pushing radio down. Jam half-empty bottle of margarita mix under radio. Note how it works just fine.

When all three screws are in, mutter many self-congratulations & replace the shelf liner & all the glasses. Plug in radio.

Set clock. Several times. Discover there is a military time feature. Turn off.

Wipe down all sawdust, put tools, tape dispenser, tower pieces & instructions away.

Note that headache has not gone away & in fact worsened through process.

Finally, put in new Madonna CD. Proceed to dance with your dog in the kitchen and feel very, very pleased. And know that if we ever sell this house, the $40 cd clock radio will be thrown in for $1,000. Extra. Because that’s what it will take for me to reverse this entire process.

I’m watching footage of yesterday’s shopping debacles, people getting trampled, maced & taken down over laptop computers on sale.

I understand having loss leaders to bring people in, and “Black Friday” is a huge day in the retail world. But surely there is a better solution than turning it into a melee-free-for-all that makes people RUN at 5 in the morning to push through the doors & race for the deal. I think they went through this a long time ago in ye olde Rock N Roll community, hm? I’ve heard that Best Buy gives people waiting in line coupons, to be redeemed for the product. That would be helpful, takes the panic Am-I-Going-To-Get-One out of the mix.

We are a consumptive society ….. I am not immune, and I do love to shop – but even I am exhausted by the behavior, the bad attitudes, the absolute disregard for other people that this Black Friday machine has created. Is that acceptable? Is it truly the cost of doing business?

Harrumph. I’m slowly turning into one of the grouchy old Muppet men in the balcony….

My friend Beth wrote me this morning & asked about how my shopping went. I thought, hey, I could copy & paste this & not have to type it twice, and then you will also see just how much I abuse the run-on sentence laws in email form.

Please keep your hands and legs inside the email at all times. Here we go….
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Oh, god, I was so irritated at Target this morning, all these people were behaving as though THEY were the only ones out and about. Literally before I got into the store. People stopping in front of the store (while driving) and then having the gall to give ME the hairy eyeball as I drove around them! I thought one person was going to hit me. And once I was in the store, it was the same thing. I can’t imagine what WalMart was like at 5 am, and honestly, unless there’s something in particular on sale next year, I am going to think long & hard about going out. (I say that now. Wait until next November….)

I got my Target stuff, the only deal/sale item being the undercounter radio/cd player I wanted last year & my BIL forgot my list, so I got a quesadilla maker and squishy pillow, instead, and then I went to Linens & Things & just bought the tv trays, plus the drink buckets were $6.99, buy 2 get one free, so I got chocolate martini, eggnog something & peppermint twist. Because this year the holidays are going to be about drinking, not decorating. Then off to Michaels, where, did you notice, it was like Fort Knox with the 25% off coupons? I’m surprised I didn’t have to have a cavity search just to cap off my morning. And the frames I bought aren’t deep enough to hold a matted picture, which pisses me off, so they have to go back & I haven’t the strength right now. Maybe later this weekend, we’ll see. I skipped the drycleaners, too. Came home, ate, watched some recorded stuff & went off to bed. I love my electric blanket. LOVE IT.

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That’s pretty much it, my early morning adventures. There were rude people, people leaving carts in the middle of the aisle, to go and look at something, people moving extremely slowly. This is the marathon time, people, and if you haven’t got a plan and the capacity to move fast, you need to do your shopping on Tuesdays over the lunch hour. With all the other amateurs. I much prefer shopping the day after Christmas, I think. At least everything’s half price, which offsets some of the bitchiness you inevitably encounter. Oh, and I forgot to put in my email that while I was checking out at Linens-N-Things? This crazy woman interrupted my checker-outer lady, asking if anyone had found a library book. In a cart. From this morning. This was at 6:30 a.m. Now, I don’t know what kind of shopping regimen you follow, and if you take library books in with you to make standing in line go faster? But you are immediately cut from the Jennifer Elite Squad Shopping Berets if you bring a library book in, AND leave it behind in the cart. We have stringent rules in the Shopping Berets. For we are, the Shopper of One. The Few, the Brave, the Shoppers.

It’s nice to have this holiday where the only expectations of you are to show up and eat.

Over the years, I’ve had Thanksgivings alone, with friends, with my family, with James’ family.

One of the years I was alone is especially funny – my ex boyfriend stopped by (after hanging out with his current girlfriend) & brought me a piece of pumpkin pie. Moving past the enormous salt shaker pouring into my wound, I took a bite. This was no ordinary pie. He had made a pie from all-natural ingredients. Without sugar. Organic unsweetened graham-cracker crust. Pie filling sweetened with :shudder: molasses. The only redeeming feature was real whipped cream, unsweetened as it was. I was polite, and yet knowing how transparent my face can be, I know he knew I didn’t like it. Fortunately, his visit was short & I tossed the rest of it.

As my friend Pete observed later when I told him about it: “Life served you a slice of BITTER PIE that Thanksgiving….”

So, today, I am grateful to have a simplified holiday. We’re going to our friend Roger’s, and all we have to bring is a cheese plate, and I purchased enough cheese at Costco to be officially licensed as a Cheese Head. Oh, yeah, and a pumpkin pie. $5.99 at Costco, and guaranteed not to be bitter….. ;)

James & I were talking a few weeks ago about an appropriate blog for Thanksgiving, and all the things we’re thankful for – and it became clear, quite quickly, that we are thankful for the internet.

Yes, that sounds kind of funny, and maybe a little geeky, and some might even raise an eyebrow & think “shallow”. But hear me out.

~I met James via Yahoo! Personals, six & a half years ago.
~I found our house online, and knew when I saw the pictures, this was the house for us.
~James was alerted about a litter of pups, via an online message board, and a month later, we got Polly from that litter.
~Through my blog, I stayed sane (somewhat) in my previous job, and managed to make a bevvy of virtual friends, people I trust, people I laugh with each day.
~I got my current job because of Monster.com, through an auto-mailer I’d set up looooong before, and through email, got my interview & am now splashing happily through the muck in my new position.
~James found his job online as well.
~My knitting group got started by two people talking online, and connections happened from there.
~I found our cleaning lady on craigslist.com, and you KNOW how thankful I am for her. :)

The internet has brought me a lot, in addition to the shopping and recipes and emails and information. While the argument still exists that you can lose yourself in the internet, and isolate yourself from reality, the fact remains that the internet made finding all these things that complete my life so much, well, simpler. More available. Accessible. I sit in a room looking at a glowing box, and all these things pour forth onto the screen. People write to me, laugh in my comments, and all those little strings equal connection. My life is filled with the successes of using the internet, my life is richer from this space here, and the people who visit me. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not, I love being a goofball & the therapeutic benefits of laying it out there. And for the most part, people out there accept that. Some even appreciate it. Knowing these things, seeing what surrounds me, I feel grateful. And that is why I am thankful for the internet.

(When all else fails, end your entry like a fifth grade essay.)

Have a safe, happy & joyful holiday weekend.
Love,
Jennifer

Apparently, my car is invisible. Like the stealth bomber, and the B-52, LaFonda the Honda joins the elite warfare ranks as a silent, invisible machine in the war on terror.

I submit to you my experience of last night. When I exit the building in my car, it’s on to a one-way street, three lanes wide, at the bottom of a hill. It’s a busy street, and I have to get out and into the middle lane within a block’s distance. And I’m 10 feet from a stoplight. So it’s a little like jumping in on double dutch jump rope some days. Last night, a FedEx truck was stopped in the lane closest to me, blinkers on, etc. I’m there, pulling out, almost in front of him and he just puts ‘er in gear and completely cuts me off. Now, I had my window down and his was down, so I felt compelled to yell and tell him what a dickwad he was, and I saw a woman standing at the corner waiting for the light. I felt a little silly, but whatever. The traffic cleared, and as I pulled out and headed into the middle lane – pedestrian lady starts crossing against the light! And when she SEES me, just starts to hustle! Hustle! I’m braking to avoid killing her, there are cars streaming over the hill, it’s dark, and she’s playing in traffic.

So I yelled at her, too, of course: ‘THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA, HUH?’ because it is my responsibility to point out to everyone in the world what an idiot they are, especially if they are inconveniencing me. But it was as I continued driving, and people driving around and changing lanes like I wasn’t there, that I finally realized: my car had some sort of Invisibility Cloak going on. I need to sell LaFonda to the Department of Defense and retire.

Instead, I’m going to be playing Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” all day. Well, no. That would make me crazier than I already am.