Day: December 12, 2005

So, one of the drawbacks of having enormous bosoms is that your cleavage turns into a crumb trap if your shirt has any neck/chest showing. (I guess one of the plus sides is that you have cleavage to begin with? I try to balance my negatives out. And end all my sentences with prepositions.) I would say this drawback is particularly cumbersome if you’re prone to spills, and especially if you eat toasted sandwiches for lunch, like me. And if you’re not prone to wearing turtlenecks, like me. So I try to dine on those types of things in the presence of understanding friends (not sales reps or MY BOSS), because inevitably, I am clawing down my cleavage to retract some errant flake of crust that is itching the bejesus out of me, and NO IT CAN’T WAIT.

I should knit myself a cowcatcher to go ’round my neck, so all the crumblies just fall off and escape the Cleavage Crevice (or Crevasse, if you’re trying for smart aleck…) I guess it’s called a “bib”…. but that seems so unfashionable. And you know me: pinnacle of all that is fashionable. I can prove it, just give me a minute to get these crumbs out of my bra…..

You should meet my friend Roger. Of course, he’s crazy in a good way, but all the same, the man takes Christmas & shopping to a level that can only be defined as professional-grade.

We were headed to Costco on Saturday & he described the process of shopping within his family. First, everyone makes a list of what they want. Then, he puts his into a SPREADSHEET, and color codes the items – red is what he’s buying for sure, blue for the rest of the stuff. That gets printed out, as he showed me in the car. (Lest you think perhaps it’s just lip service.) Then, he has another worksheet with a budget for each person, and as he buys things, he enters what he bought, how much, and it automatically calculates how much he has left to spend. Oh, and of course he keeps all his receipts. Things that require long-term proof-of-purchase get photocopied, because receipts fade.

Now, you certainly are nodding and going, “whoa.” But it doesn’t stop there. Because his family lives in a smaller town, they are all searching for things in various places – online, etc. For some gifts & certain recipients, they go in on things together. And they call each other, with questions, updates, and requests to buy things they saw or didn’t have a chance to get when they were in town, so by Christmas, they all owe each other money. One of their rituals is to sit down at the dining room table, all of them with adding machines, go through their receipts & settle up. They love the whole process & it seems to be quite fun for them all – I think it’s absolutely hilarious!

I told Roger that James? Would pass out or die of a heart attack if he had married into a family that did that. I have the potential to be a contender, given my proclivity for shopping. I just don’t think my organizational skills would measure up, even with the recent improvements. And don’t think I’m saying Roger’s any more of a shopper than me – the reason we went to Costco was for my big TV!

In unrelated news, on Friday night – I told James that Richard Pryor was dead. (James always thinks EVERYone’s dead, but he corrected me on this one.) And then, Richard Pryor died on Saturday. Soon I, too, will have my own tv series…. called “The Death Whisperer.”