Day: March 2, 2005

Actually, because of the big hooters, I’ve gotten “Ma’am” for longer than I should have, in my opinion. People think big boobs & being bigger-sized means you’re old. Whatever. I don’t worry too much about age and all that, but I confess I still don’t always feel like a “grown-up”.

I had one of those “WHOA, NELLY” moments though, two Christmases ago. James’ bratty cousin is one of those boys you just want to whack upside the head. Sometimes, he’s ok. But he has too many other things going on that bring out the whack factor. And there he went, into the kitchen, got the entire HUGE tin of homemade chex mix out (and Gramma D. makes awesome stuff – cheetos and mixed nuts in addition to the standard mix!) and the little fucker starting picking out the cashews.

Just. The. Cashews.
And eating them!

Now, I am not one to do a lot of overt nose-sticking-into in my husband’s family. When you’re an in-law, you always keep one eye on the foul lines, because you don’t want to even get a toe across that line. That’s how I am, you might be different. So I don’t usually get involved with “the kids”. But this blatant selfish nut-snacker hit my last patience button.

“J.R.!” I shouted.

“Wha?” He vacantly looks up for a milisecond and resumes picking out cashews.

When I get really mad, I feel the hair on the back of my head start to stand up and things get kind of white-hot around my eyes. This was happening. I yelled,

“ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU STOP PICKING OUT THOSE CASHEWS RIGHT THIS SECOND. IT’S RUDE AND YOU ARE GOING TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW.”

And he did.

I was amazed. I commanded authority and obedience like a bona fide grown-up. Whoa. Nelly.

I am listening (with headphones) to “Patience” by George Michael, and I want to be his friend. I have earned ENOUGH faghag points that I should be able to redeem them by now on a really big prize, and I choose you, George Michael.

I mean, think about how fun that would be. I’m just imagining getting all tipsy on mojitos with him, and after he’s had enough to drink, convincing him to put on those really short shorts he always wore in the Wham videos. And the laughing – OH the laughing we would have at those silly old days. And then, I would confess how foolish I was as young girl, believing he could someday love me like that, before my gaydar became more finely-tuned, and how I look back now and wonder, WHY, HOW I never saw it, because it is so crystal clear, but nevermind, even after I knew you were gay, George Michael, you had to go and do that Fast Love video and then you made it into the sacred circle, of gay men I’d actually sleep with just out lust and affection.

Have a seat right over there, next to Ricky Martin.

Did you know that some foods are inherently “girly”? I made James a salad long ago that involved mandarin oranges and he was non-plussed, to say the least. We were only dating at the time, and he was polite about it, but explained that “fruit in salad is more a girl thing.”

Then, tonight, I was sauteeing asparagus with garlic, olive oil & lemon. James stated that it wasn’t his favorite vegetable, as he considers it more a “girl’s vegetable.” WE-HE-ELL. I was not aware there was a machismo/feminine nature in the world of veggies. More asparagus for me! (After all, I am a girl!)

The ultimate in “feminine” consumables came when I brought home a new tea. “Can I have a cup of your new tea?” he asked. It was fancy lookin’. Here’s a picture:

Lavender & Chamomile Tea (in the blue tin) 

He took a couple sips and looked at me. “This is really girly tea. Flowery. I mean, REALLY girly. Like, ULTRA-GAY GIRLY.”

And this is all coming from a man who only drank Zima and Boone’s Farm when we first met. Mmmhmm. MANLY drinks.

Good thing I don’t make a mandarin orange-asparagus salad, he’d probably grow boobs and get mad for no reason halfway through dinner. ;)